Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Belt: Ann Taylor
Scarf: gift from my mom
Adorable kitteh: Elefante
So, yeah, this outfit is basically the flip of this one here. I'm fine with that because I can't even tell you how happy the combination of green and leopard makes me. If it works, it works, and I'm cool with that.
Y'all, since we moved to Costa Rica, things were hard. Like, really hard. The work hours are long, there's little distinction between my personal life and my work life, and we're poor. The rains get to me, especially because the rainy season lasts about eight months here. I wasn't sleeping well - I'd wake up from a nightmare and I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. The nightmares were nearly every night for about nine months. Nine. Months.
And then there were the headaches. They'd start in my shoulders, move up into my neck, attack my jaw, and settle behind my eyes. Sometimes they were so strong that I'd feel nauseated. To make things worse, they'd last for two weeks at a time. And this, too, went on for nine months.
I didn't want to eat, I cried all the time, I imagined that Kiku or the cats had been hit by a car, I had no energy to do anything besides my actual teaching. And it sucked. It really, really sucked. I felt like I didn't even know myself, and I hated what I was putting B through, because, seriously? This was not what he signed up for, this weepy, sickly, emotional mess of a woman. Even if he was beyond supportive and stuck with me and told me it was okay and I could cry to him whenever I needed, and he LISTENED! Even then, I felt awful.
So we went to the doctor and told him everything that was going on. It didn't surprise me, not at all, but it did make me feel validated somehow. I'd thought I was going crazy, becoming someone else, and his diagnosis made me feel like it'd be okay. It's depression. Big surprise, right? So now I'm on Paxil and I've been on it for about a month and I feel like myself again. And I haven't wanted to talk too much about it because of the stigma, but really? I'm talking about it because of the stigma. Because I've been around a lot of Christian circles where if you just trust Jesus it's alright, and I was trusting and things weren't okay. Because mental illness sometimes - often - has additional physical consequences. Because I know I'm not the only one who's gone through this and has been too afraid to see a doctor about it.
So this is my story, and even though I don't like sharing a lot of these personal things with the internet, I think it's important. And y'all, I feel so much better now.